Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Left: Ted Christian watches election returns at the Liberty Tap Room last night.


It was a long day yesterday. We busted major ass.

First, I go to work, and encounter my favorite customer who had a TV show made about him, Tony Della Ventura. I asked him if he voted in the primary and ohhhhhhh, I forgot. (I asked him that before, didn't I?) I was treated to a mini-diatribe about how politicians are all whores, which you should pronounce the way Tony Montana did, whilst sitting in the bathtub: these horsssssss. Della Ventura is the only ex-New York cop I know with a confederate flag tattooed on his leg. He was played by Danny Aiello, which is utterly perfect casting, except that Danny isn't tattooed over every square inch of his body, riding a Harley. (Well, in fairness, this is after retirement and moving south.)

And so, Tony tells me: don't vote for these horssssss.

I take his point, but I tell him how I try to work within the system, yada yada, and with that, we are off on one of our epic conversations. I re-stock the Greens Plus and talk about Ron Paul, who he likes.


Went to vote in the Thornblade precinct, where they had (this is no exaggeration) only 17 Democrats all day, and 324 Republicans. (This totally explains the golf course in my face, now doesn't it?)

My spies say they saw Jim Burns shaking hands with people, shilling for votes, right on the polling place property, supposedly as he stopped in to vote for himself. Isn't that against the rules? Who's in charge here?

Off to do some quick windshield-leafletting, wash dishes, grab kombucha on the way over to the West End.


And speaking of the West End--damn, what happened to this place? You ain't in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. I arrive at the aptly named Liberty Tap Room, which didn't even exist a couple of years ago. I'm still quite amazed by the whole capitalist enterprise; the pseudo-artsy West End (once the low-class textile mill area of town), the new ball park, the condos atop the ballfield, etc... all the latte-town dreams of the Greenville Chamber of Commerce. I look at the ballfield and wonder how many old millhouses and ancient storefronts died for it's sins. I've still never been to a Greenville Drive game, although I did go to Greenville Braves games in the old suburban stadium, back when we had the Atlanta Braves farm team. I think DRIVE is a DUMB name for a team and I say so at every available opportunity (like right now). The Braves were sold to Mississippi and are now the Mississippi Braves. Damn, I hate that.


Ted was watching the returns when I arrived after the polls closed at 7pm. The whole crew was there (see photo below) and we settled in to watch the returns on one of those giant restaurant TVs out on the terrace. He joked that at least he had eleven votes!

When approximately 44% of the precincts were in, Ted looked at the TV-screen, somewhat startled, and did Rocket Scientist magic right in front of us. He squinted in deep thought, like Mr Spock, and announced that if Bryan McCanless had X% of the vote and Paul Corden had Y%, with 44% of the precincts? Closes eyes, put hands to eyes momentarily--then he says: Runoff.

"No single candidate could possibly have 50% of the vote," he said, somewhat surprised at what he was saying. "Runoff election between me and Corden!"

What? How did you DO that, man? NO WONDER HE CAN LIVE OFF THE FREAKING STOCK MARKET, with talents like those. I wish I could do algebra right in my head. (Just like they told you in school, word-problems can actually help you in real life.)

Ted looked exultant, well, as exultant as rocket scientists ever get, anyway.

At this point, cell-phones start ringing, and people start handing them to Ted. HE DOESN'T HAVE A CELL-PHONE, PEOPLE. HE IS RUNNING FOR CONGRESS AND DOESN'T HAVE A CELL-PHONE!!! Newspapers and Channel 4 wanna interview him--Ted sprints off to Channel 4, which is, luckily, right down the street. (Sometimes, living in a smallish town has its perks.)

The phones continue going off with various ring-tones, and one campaign-worker says, HEY, TED TOOK MY PHONE!


And so, it's a Runoff election in two weeks, between Paul Corden and Ted Christian. Ted landed 33%. I attribute not a small amount to those Walmart windshields I littered up!

Ted, on his website:

We're inside the gates, boys and girls.

Here's the deal. Anybody who didn't vote Republican in the primary can vote in the runoff. Corden got the party hard core yesterday, and that's about all he's going to get. We on the other hand have an entire universe of fed up people to tap into. Do the math.
Ted's all about math.

More work, more windshields, I can't pretend this isn't exhausting to think about. But Ted actually in the race against entrenched Republican incumbent Bob Inglis, where he CAN'T BE IGNORED? It's a dizzying prospect. And it could happen! We were all flush with success, woo-hooing our way out of the Liberty Tap Room.

More to come, of course. I will keep you all posted.

Edit, by popular demand: here is your humble narrator doing her Brunhilde impersonation last evening, particularly necessary in heat like this, where my hair threatens to smother me. Photo by Serena.

Listening to: Grateful Dead - The Race Is On
via FoxyTunes