How may I help you?

Purty flowers from downtown Greenville... which of course, have absolutely nothing to do with this post. (Yes, I really do own one of those old "flower power" buttons ...)



I wake up and my TV channels are totally scrambled. Panic! How do they expect me to keep up with my scandalmongering without TV? Yes, I know the internet is a great place for snooping about, but I want my talking heads! Michael Jackson's death has just been ruled a homicide, and I must know more.

My rather slack-ass and stingy cable TV-company, Charter Communications, is now bankrupt, but still operating. How does that work exactly? When regular people go bankrupt, they have to STOP operating, don't they? But here they are, taking my money and continuing to provide slack-ass service anyway.

The Charter website does not list any re-set of channels. So, I am attempting to find out the reason though their computerized customer service.

Thank you for choosing Charter Chat Live! A Customer Care representative from Cable TV Support will be with you shortly.
You are currently number 8 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently number 7 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.

Are these bots or people? As Dead Air regulars know, your humble narrator worked in/was traumatized by customer service for over 5 years, and I think I would have preferred typing bullshit replies to giving bullshit replies over the phone.

At least, when they scream, you wouldn't hear it.

You are currently number 4 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You are currently number 3 in the queue.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You have been connected to TTD Shazia .
TTD Shazia : Thank you for contacting Charter Video Support. My name is Shazia. How may I assist you today?
Me: My channels are all scrambled up and not in the usual order
TTD Shazia : I'm sorry. The channels are being updated due to the recent changes in the lineup. These channel changes are effective August 25th, 2009. After August 25th, 2009, go to charter.com to view your channel line-up.
TTD Shazia : I can give you a list now if you want.
Me: Yes, I would like that!
TTD Shazia : In order for me to further assist you, may I have the phone number on the account starting with the area code, please?
Me: blah blah blah
TTD Shazia : Thank you. Can you also please verify the name that appears on the account, the complete service address, and the last four digits of your SSN?
Me: More blah blah blah
TTD Shazia : May I verify who I am chatting with?
Me: Daisy
TTD Shazia : Thank you. One moment, please.
TTD Shazia : Thank you so much for patiently waiting.
TTD Shazia : Channel Line-Up Effective August 25th, 2009:

And Shazia/the bot gives me a list which I printed out. Better than the phone, most assuredly, where this wouldn't be possible.

While working in customer service, I was instructed to say "I'm sorry" about everything, or some variation such as "I apologize for that," which I still say in retail if I don't carry a product or we are out of something. Why are we apologizing for something not our fault? I hate that shit. I hate it from Shazia/the bot too. Not her or the bot's fault if Charter is all fucked up and doesn't care about telling customers that the line-up has changed.

Looking up the name "Shazia"--I see it is an Indian or Pakistani name. Did I just talk to India?

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the fact that the job I used to have, is likely outsourced now. I hate that Americans are not getting the jobs, and then again, I know how badly everyone in the world needs a job. I have always prided myself on being a working-class person who connects to other workers, no matter where and who they are. When I saw the 60 Minutes segment in 2004 and learned customer service people in India are making maybe one-fifth (or less!) of what I made, I was livid on their behalf, too:

On any given day in New Delhi and Bombay and Bangalore, the call goes out for new call center recruits as more and more American companies come calling. The call center employees earn $3,000 to $5,000 a year, in a nation where the per capita income is less than $500. The perks include free private transport to and from work plus the sheer heaven of an air-conditioned workplace.

And every time I talk to Luke (Skywalker?), Peter (Parker?) or Jennifer (Aniston? Garner? Lopez? Connelly?), I am also reminded of the 60 Minutes show:

New Delhi is nearly 11 hours ahead of New York, so manning the phones is largely night work. By day, the agents - as they're called - are dutiful Indian sons and daughters. By night, they take on phone names such as Sean, Nancy, Ricardo and Celine so they can sound like the girl or boy next door.

"The real name is Tashar. And name I use is Terrance," says one representative.

"My real name is Sangita. And my pseudo name is Julia," says another representative. "Julia Roberts happened to be my favorite actress, so I just picked out Julia."

American movies are part of an agent's training in how to sound all-American.

Lavanya Prabhu is a call center trainer who guides young Indians through the labyrinth of American English. And she says she is able to pick up some of typical American accents while instructing her students.

"Well, you have Brooklyn. 'You walk the walk and you talk the talk.' And you have the southerner's thing. 'Oh hello, there. What can I do for you today,'" says Prabhu, who spends most of her time trying to de-Indianize her countrymen.

But it's difficult to get in. In fact, Prabhu says they accept approximately five applicants out of 100 applications.

We are spreading our Americanism around the world; colonialism through culture. There appears to be no escape for anyone.

I was recently asked an account-related question by a customer service worker with a strong Indian accent...I couldn't find the information she asked for, and mumbled, Oh God, I'm such a mess, which unexpectedly brought some hardy laughter.

I was glad I could make her day happier, and add to the colloquialisms she would later share with her co-workers.

Is globalizing customer service a good or bad thing for the US economy? Having hung out with the Ron Paul people quite a lot, I am inclined to say no, but then again, I can't keep my personal feelings and work experience out of my assessment.

What say you?