Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Heaven is real, says four year old

These books are the new sensation. I originally thought they were fiction, but apparently, they are claiming they to be real:

Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back

Synopsis: 4-year-old goes to heaven during surgery, comes back and has information he couldn't have known otherwise. Jesus told him stuff while he was there, so pay attention.


90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Death and Life

Same thing, but it's a famous Baptist minister this time, hit by a semi. Makes the New York Times bestseller list.


23 Minutes in Hell: One Man's Story About What He Saw, Heard, and Felt in that Place of Torment

Real estate agent goes to hell for 23 minutes, says it scary.


I think this genre may be my ticket to finally get published. Some ideas:

Daisy goes to Deadhead Hell: An account of a Deadhead forced to listen to Miley Cyrus for all eternity.

Self-explanatory. Horrendous song lists greet her upon arrival, containing old Partridge Family tunes and commercial jingles. First thing, they serenade you with "I'd like to teach the world to sing"--and make you drink New Coke. (You always wondered where it went to, didn't you?)

Nirvana is Real: a Trip to the Pure Land

4-year-old goes to Nirvana during surgery, says it rocks, comes back and tells us to kick back and relax, you'll get there eventually. Buddha tells him that animals have souls, and child instantly becomes a vegetarian, upsetting his Texas family of hunters and steak-eaters.

23 Minutes in Hell: alternative version

Hell is populated with fundamentalist Christians, or wait, is that heaven? Existential drama modeled on the terrifying Jacob's Ladder, as our plucky heroine can't quite figure out WHERE she is.

Luckily, LSD wears off in about 12 hours.


Add your own! Play along at home!


Dave Dubya said...

Good news. When I was four, I learned we were always being watched over by the "people from the light". They told me.

Haven't seen or heard from them since.

Or was it all a dream I dreamed one afternoon long ago? Seemed real at the time.

DaisyDeadhead said...

Ah, but could you write a whole book about it? This kid is precocious, to say the least.

When I was three or four, I remember that I believed there were little people in the radio, who made the singing and talking. I still remember what I imagined they looked like.

I should have written a book about it.

DaisyDeadhead said...

And I caught your lovely Grateful Dead reference! :)

bryce said...

thatz freaking child abuse

JoJo said...

HEY! I like the Partridge Family! lmao

France said...

I am a believer. So, I am not in the least put off by a young boy's "experience" with Heaven. What I regret is that this experience was obviously the cumulative effect of Sunday School teachings, parental conversations, and a child's observations over time. (It took months, if not years, for the full story to be revealed by the boy.) This is Heaven the way a child would see it. One in which Jesus looks like the paintings of him, you get to see all your dead relatives, and the cast from the Bible stops by for a curtain call. It trivializes what is likely a Heaven so grand and complex that the human mind cannot comprehend it. It's not a bad story, but it plays into non-believers' idea of believers: that we are simple-minded, non-questioning children.