Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Why I still love Ted Christian

New readers may enjoy my "campaign diary" from last year, when we attempted to send our fabulous Ted to congress.

Did we? Nah.

Ted has just submitted this wonderful rant to the Greenville News. And it may well be published after scouring and disemboweling it real good first.

This is the unedited version:

I can understand you Republicans are upset. You've lost the Presidency. You've lost Congress. Your plan to stomp vassal democracy into the Middle East has put a black man with a Moslem name in the White House. So that didn’t work out. But don't despair, Republicans, because believe it or not the Democratic leadership can be just as incompetent and bloodthirsty as yours!

Oh sure, people accuse Bush of jumping into "another Vietnam", but remember LBJ jumped into the actual Vietnam! And before that the Democrats lost the White House jumping into Korea! All you have to do to win the next election is keep the Democrats in the bloodshower. Yes, this will involve continued needless death and destruction on a massive scale, but this is no time to shrink from sacrifice, especially of others.

You know the drill- Support The Troops, Terror Terror Terror, Fear Fear Fear! You can of course count on the Democratic leadership to back you on this, some cynically doing the military-industrial math and others, to be fair, sincerely cowed. The rest you can threaten in the bathroom. For insurance get Obama to bomb Iran, and you’ll naturally want to keep him gutting the Constitution, killing Pakistanis, and heeling behind Israel. A losing percentage of disenchanted but otherwise Democratic voters can be expected to not follow their nonleadership and stay at home or vote other, while your own core base can as usual be maintained by simple bellowing. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Enjoy!
When is the next campaign, Ted? I suggest running as a Libertarian instead of a Democrat here in the hyper-conservative upstate.

That might give em a good run for their money.

I'm ready to leaflet those parking lots again, man! Just say the word.

In other news, George Will has just advocated withdrawal from Afghanistan, and I am flabbergasted but impressed in spite of myself.

2 comments:

sheila said...

Ooooo, I really liked that one. I did. :)

DaisyDeadhead said...

My profound apologies for neglecting to follow up!

The Greenville News published Ted's rant after removing the following, in bold.:

I can understand you Republicans are upset. You've lost the Presidency. You've lost Congress. Your plan to stomp vassal democracy into the Middle East has put a black man with a Moslem name in the White House. So that didn’t work out. But don't despair, Republicans, because believe it or not the Democratic leadership can be just as incompetent and bloodthirsty as yours!

Oh sure, people accuse Bush of jumping into "another Vietnam", but remember LBJ jumped into the actual Vietnam! And before that the Democrats lost the White House jumping into Korea! All you have to do to win the next election is keep the Democrats in the bloodshower. Yes, this will involve continued needless death and destruction on a massive scale, but this is no time to shrink from sacrifice, especially of others.

You know the drill- Support The Troops, Terror Terror Terror, Fear Fear Fear! You can of course count on the Democratic leadership to back you on this, some cynically doing the military-industrial math and others, to be fair, sincerely cowed. The rest you can threaten in the bathroom. For insurance get Obama to bomb Iran, and you’ll naturally want to keep him gutting the Constitution, killing Pakistanis, and heeling behind Israel. A losing percentage of disenchanted but otherwise Democratic voters can be expected to not follow their nonleadership and stay at home or vote other, while your own core base can as usual be maintained by simple bellowing. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Enjoy!

...

Ted adds (on his website):

If they can't quite deny reality they can at least try to neuter it. I'd come to accept the apparently obligatory extraneous commas, and perhaps they just don't have the font for italics, but I've had enough of being butchered for banality in the Greenville News.