Sunday, July 15, 2007

The First Noble Truth

Today it's been one year since my mother died.

My daughter, E., called me yesterday to say she had found my mother's high school ring, with her initials engraved inside. She is wearing it today, as a memorial. It was E. who first called me to tell me she had died, since she was living close to her at the time. Mike, her husband, identified the body at the funeral home, because she couldn't do it.

For the past year, I have felt haunted. No other word to describe it. It's been embarrassingly similar to the TV show SIX FEET UNDER, in which I could almost have complete conversations with her, so familiar were her words. I knew what she would say, if she were here.

Sometimes, these feelings were so vivid, I felt she was standing over my shoulder. I could hear her voice.

My grief has been profound. I was my mother's only child.

That is not dead which can eternal lie
within stranger eons even death may die


(Lovecraft)

9 comments:

Kseniya said...

I feel for you, Daisy. For you, and with you. July 15th was my mother's birthday. She would have been 47. She passed away three years ago. I am grateful to have been with her when she took her last breath, and not to be her only child. I'm big sister to two brothers, who are now 18 and 16.

As for feeling haunted, well... she's alive in my memory, and I feel her presense in a way, but never does it feel external. Your experience may be different.

Anniversaries and holidays are tough, whatever they may be. Birthdays, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas... Trust me, though, what everyone has been telling you for the past year is true. It does get easier.

I did go through a period of guilt when I realized my grief was easing, but grief isn't supposed to be eternal. Letting go of it is a natural part of the grieving process - and I know she wouldn't have it any other way.

Peace,

Kseniya

suze said...

My thoughts are with you too, D. Be strong. Love you.

antiprincess said...

my mother will be dead six years in august. I still get a little gloomy and blue around the day.

peace and strength to you. Grief takes its own time.

Daisy said...

Yall are just so nice! Thank you! It was brutal this year, the first year since her death. I guess the next ones won't be so bad?

Kseniya, your comment is very insightful. Guilt is definitely a factor, since I lived so far from her and didn't see her much at the end of her life. But she was the type of person who wouldn't have wanted me to feel guilty, so you have something there.

AntiP and Suze, thank you so much for your kind thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Daisy,
For a while you will grieve and it is good. A good woman, who was definitely, her own woman, deserves the right to be grieved. You deserve to mourn the loss of a wonderful gift.
In time you will loook at the memories, smile, and hold them tight because they be precious.
Of cours you can still talk to her. and of course she pepeated herself over and over so thatyou would hear her even after she enters another space.
You have continued the matriarchial line. Her life and DNA continues.
Beth, The Goddess of Barefeet and Laughter

Daisy said...

Bethie, keeper of my beloved Elvira!!!! Glad to see you here, love. (((kiss)))

Kim said...

So sorry, D.
I love my mom so much.
I can only imagine how I'll feel when I lose her.

Cassandra Says said...

I feel for you too. I also was an only child, and pretty much considered my mother to be the center of the universe. It's incredibly difficult to wrap one's head around the idea of a world without Mom in it.

I sometimes have the conversations too, BTW. The first time it scared the hell out of me, but then I got the wierdest feeling, like someone was standing behind me with their arms wrapped around me, even though I knew I was alone in the house. At a certain point you just accept that the presence in your life is there to stay.

Delusional Precious said...

I'm still wearing that ring actually. Still.